Get Thee Behind Me Satan
Of course, you have to wonder is there anything so far out there that WWN would never cover it. Pachenko says yes, but didn't wish to elaborate. "It would put some of our undercover journalists at risk," he says. What kind of risk is he talking about?
"The kinds of risk we all know we take when we begin to develop a controversial story," he continues. "The risk of being discovered and pushed into a vat of bio-chemicals, only to emerge strangely altered, sometimes with flesh as strong as steel, other times with the ability to change our flesh into liquid."
The whole point of WWN is that they generally want their stories to appear real.
"Of course most of the stories are rather ridiculous," Pachenko says. "Yet WWN requires that they be written by the same Chicago style guidelines that every reporter uses. I definitely let my imagination go wild. To me, the more ridiculous the material is, the better. Then the editors can tell you to reel it in if necessary. I think they do enough craziness that it's pretty obvious to most. However, my biggest joy is when I occasionally stumble upon a discussion board over one of my articles and half the people talking about it are taking the story seriously - that's a huge thrill."
Case in point: several stories that Pachenko wrote caused a fracas on some message boards. "Satan Renounces Rock," the headline screamed. "Rap is Phat!" As Pachencko reported, the startling announcement from the Alliance of Satanic Servants (or ASS for short) came that rock and roll has "lost its self-destructive edge" and will "no longer be considered 'the devil's music.' Though Lucifer still has contracts to collect from such rockers as Keith Richards, Robert Plant, and Corey Hart, he'll no longer be taking souls from today's grungers and moshers."
Pachenko says he couldn't get access to the Prince of Darkness himself, "but I did interview one of his representatives, a Mr. Birnbaum, who provided me with a press release and a personal interview. Anyone who knows Mr. Birnbaum also knows that he has the devil's ear."
Pachenko then sent me a message board link where a thread was started by "demonslayer" out of Texas, who wrote, all in caps, "IN THIS ATICLE (sic) THE JOURNALIST INTERVIEWED A SATANIC CULT LEADER WHO SAYS HE SPEAKS TO SATAN REGULARLY. EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT A COPY OF THE ORIGINAL (ARTICLE) TO SHOW TO YOUR YOUTH PASTORS."
And at least one other poster, calling his or herself "godschild1979," believed this bunch of hooey too. "Yes, music brings people together but at what cost? A lot of people would agree that music breaks color lines and racial walls more than anything else. You know why? Because Satan does not care what color you are, where you came from, etc. All he cares about is your soul, taking your mind off of the things of GOD and Christ, creating an atmosphere of confusion, pain, and rebellion, by any means necessary...It's my job as a Christian to inform everyone I know and those I don't not to listen to the lies told by the enemy, whether it be through music, movies, upbringings, cultural ideas, etc."
These guys are kidding along with the article, right? I'm looking for some irony in what they posted...still haven't found it, but I'll let you know when I do...
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